You're Joking, right?
by allwaysandforever
Summary: Moldywarts is gone! But what is this... Harry is Severus son! The only coherent thought throughout much of the story is WTF. AU, OC characters, Abuse and Slashy goodness.
1. Chapter 1

You're Joking, right?….

All we own in Sevian Snape. He's ours, all ours! J.K Rowling owns the rest.

'Rejoice! He's gone! Mouldywart is gone forever! I did it! I did it! I did it! Woowho!' Harry sang, breaking into an impromptu dance.

He pushed open the doors of the Great Hall to the gasps of stunned students.

Harry looked around strangely. A chorus of voices broke out around him.

'Who is that?'

'Whoever it is, they're cute.'

I'm cute? Cool! Harry thought.

'I think it's Harry Potter!'

'It is! I can see his scar?'

'It's Harry?'

'What the hell did he do to his hair?'

Harry reached up for his normally short, messy hair, but instead, brought down long, silky, black and dark red streaked hair.

Harry's only conherrent thought was _WTF_!

In Dumbledore's office, Harry admired his new, possibly improved form. He appeared to have shrunk, and his features had become more effeminate.

The rest of the Order was sitting in worried silence, contemplating this new development.

The silence was broken by Sirius.

'He reminds me of someone, but I can't think who…'

'So…' said Dumbledore, 'Lily must have slept with someone (other than james) between November and December 1978.

Severus Snape entered the office in time to here the last statement. His eyes shot to Harry and then widened.

'Oh dear Merlin, No!'

Sirius looked between him and Harry and realised exactly _who_ Harry reminded him of.

He shot to his feet with a cry of 'You bastard!'

He launched himself at Snape and a full on fight ensured. It took the rest of the Order a few seconds to work it out. They turned and looked at Harry in shock.

Harry was still blissfully ignorant.

After sitting in shock for a while, Remus and Moody came to their senses and seperated Sirius and Severus.

'The Maniac _bit_ me! I'll get Rabbies!' spat Severus.

But at that moment, Harry finally caught on, and promptly fainted.

Upon Reflex, Severus caught him, looked down at him in horror for a second and let go.

Sirius lept forward and scooped Harry from the air and into his arms, shooting Severus a _very_ dirty look.

'You _do_ realise that that is my son that you are holding!' Severus said dryly.

Sirius paled and dumped Harry on the ground.

Severus looked down at the unconscious form and groaned silenty.


	2. Chapter 2

My name is what!

We own only Sevina. But he's ours, all ours. J.K Rowling owns anything else that you might recognise in this story. There will actually be more serious parts to the story, just not know.

This is a story that Alex and I invented at 2 in the morning, and we blame it all on the M&Ms!

Harry woke up slowly. He sat up and looked around, great, the hospital wing. Why did he always end up in the hospital wing!

Then he remembered the strange dream he had had. He shuddered, the very idea of Snape being his father. Ewww! Then he caught sight of himself in the mirror. Dear Merlin, No!

At that moment the man in question entered the room. HEHE, thought Harry, I shall now prove that it was just a bad dream!

"You killed my father!" he yelled at Snape. Snape looked at him strangely "No, I am your father!" (A/N sorry, couldn't resist)

Oh Shit, thought Harry. It wasn't a fucking dream.

Snape cleared his throat, "It seems that in light of recent…discoveries you will need to be resorted."

Harry swore (mentally, no need to give Snape a reason for giving him detention). He swung his legs of his bed; yes it was actually his bed. Had a plarc and everything, Madam Pomfery said he needed one, with the amount of time he spent in hospital.

He followed Snape in a daze; maybe this was just a very _long_ dream. He felt the sorting hat been placed on his head. Much to his horror it still completely covered his face.

"Ah, Mr Potter... or should I say Mr _Snape_!"

"Stupid inanimate object, stupid person who had the idea of giving it a voice!"

"Now Mr Snape, that's not very nice. I believe that I will place you in the right house this time. MUHAHA."

"Dear Merlin, did it just chuckle evilly!"

"Shut up, SLYTHERIN"

"Oh Fuck!"

The hat was lifted from his head to reveal a smirking Severus Snape, but he wasn't looking at Harry. In fact his smirk was directed behind him to the mortified face of Sirius Black.

Then to everyone's shock Snape lifted Harry (who seemed to have temporarily lost the ability to move) of the stool and gently pushed him in the direction of the Slytherin table.

Draco and Blaise moved aside to make room for Harry in-between them, Harry looked at them with a sort of lost puppy face.

"Um, shouldn't you be smirking or something..?"

Draco sighed and stated, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world "you're family now, and obviously need taking care of".

Harry blinked, the concept of Slytherins being nice and welcoming slightly freaking him out. Actually the very idea of family was pretty alien as well.

He slid into the space and promptly discovered that his plate was stolen and filled with food by Pansy. He was even more shocked to find himself being lectured by Pansy about the importance of eating properly.

It cannot be said that the meal passed normally after that, for Slytherins being nice was _not_ normal.

Harry was dragged to his feet by Draco and placed in-between Crabbe and Goyle, with the instructions

"take care of him, _try_ to keep him out of mischief".

Two heavy hands were placed on his shoulders and he was very deliberately steered to the exit. Before he could reach it however a flash of red appeared in his path.

Harry's eyes brighten; finally something familiar!

"Ron…hey, what up with the death glare?"

Ron _was_ giving him a death glare. Looking at him as if he was some kind of filthy traitor. A fact that his next words reflected.

"You filthy snake, bet you've been a Snape all along. Been spying on us for them have you!"

Harry just stared in shock, he's main thought being. Holy Shit, someone's impersonating Ron using polyjuice. Oblivious to all of this however, Ron continued his rant.

"I always knew you were snakelike, should have done something after Cedric died because of you. Just like a Snape, to let him die to save yourself."

From behind Harry came a silky voice.

"Close your mouth Harry, Draco will handle this."

Harry didn't turn around, just snapped him mouth shut.

"Well, well look what we have here. Jealous Weasel because Harry finally found some worthwhile friends."

"Stay the fucking hell out of this Malfoy, I'm settling the slimy snake myself!"

"Snake, you dare to call him a snake. After all, who was it that ran to Rita Skeeter in 5th year about Harry's visions? Who was it that then managed to blame it all on me? Oh, my. I wasn't, it couldn't have been… Harry Potters _loyal best_ _friend_ Ron Weasley!"

The person behind Harry shifted. "Now that, my friend is a mater a work, pure genius."

Draco turned, nodded to Crabbe and Goyle, who started to leave the hall. Then it all suddenly hit him;

This wasn't a dream,

He really was Severus Snape's son,

Ron hated him,

Draco Malfoy had just stood up for him

And the Slytherins seemed to think he was now family.

But most of all, _Ron_ had told Rita Skeeter. At that moment they passed the, still shocked, aforementioned Weasley. And Harry completely without warning slipped out of Crabbe and Goyles grip, and stood in front of Ron.

"You" he hissed, inceased "It was you, you… YOU BASTARD!" His fist connected with Ron's jaw, and within seconds the two boys were rolling around on the floor in a maelstrom of kicks and punches.

Neither of them heeding the enraged cries coming from all around him.

"Ron, how dare you!"

"Harry he's not worth it"

"Wohoo, go Harry. Get the bastard"

As you may have noticed, no one was supporting Ron. Then one cry sound above all the others.

"SEVIAN SNAPE, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING! Crabbe, Goyle separate them at once!"

After a few moments Crabbe was successfully restraining an enraged Ha..Sevian. And Goyle was clutching (with considerably more force) Ron.

"Brilliant display boy, excellent examples of just how grown up you are! 100 points from Gryfindor and 1 week of detentions, Mr Weasley."

"That not fair, he's not going to get anything 'cause he's your _son_!"

"Two weeks, Mr Weasley. And I assure you, Sevian will be wishing that he had the same, by that time I'm through with him"

"But..!"

"Care to make it three…" Snape hissed softly. Ron, wisely, shut up.

At that moment something about what Snape had been saying hit Ha..Sevian.

"Wwhat did you just call me!"

"Your name I believe."

"My name is Ha… Ha… OW Sevian!

Snape smirked, basking in his sons anger. "Poor Sevi" Harry went white in horror "You see, as your father I am entitled to choose your name. And so it had to be changed to something more… fitting for the heir of the Snape fortune."

"Bu…but why can't I say my old name" Sevian said, being careful to avoid said name from the sentence. Depsite himself he was interested, a spell that stopped certain things being said, Ohh, the possibilities!

"Merely and old charm, designed to stop the use of fake names" Damn, thought Sevian!

"So… whats my full name" watching Snape face form a feral grin, Sevian got the distinct feeling he was going to regret asking.

"You full name, my dear son is Sevian Xavier Snape"

Harry fainted.

So, like it (as if), hate it (probably). Do tell. You might want to bear in mind that the only reason I could be stuffed to write a seconds chapter was because of the reviews. THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH. I felt so loved.

**Julie Black Potter: **Here is the update, thank you!

**Queen of Serpents: **Yes, it is random. As I said, blame the M&Ms, though truffles and vodka do sound tempting…Thanks for reviewing!

**Phoenix 5: **Yes, poor Harry. He doesn't really get it. HEHE, I just turned his world upside down! Thank you for reviewing!

**Acinonyxjubatus: **Umm, cool name. Is it in some kind of secret code, or is there an obscure reference, maybe you just hit random letters on the keyboard. Do Tell! Yes, HarryimeanSevian is going to be dropped a lot. Thanks for reviewing!

**Emil313: **Here you go, new chapter. Thank you for reviewing, so kind. sobs in gratitude

**Achi-chan: **Ohayoo! This has got to be one of the strangest reviews I have ever received. Thanks for writing it!

Okay, so I think that's everone. If I've missed someone. I am soooo sorry, please tell me!

LOL

Alwaysandforever


	3. Chapter 3

It's illegal…

We own nothing! Sad isn't it. J.K Rowling owns anything in this story that hasn't been so disorted by our imagination that you can't recognise it.

We just enjoy torturing the characters!

'How could he do that! How could they both do that?' Sevian stuttered.

'Slytherin's don't stutter.' Snape said absentmindedly while dragging his son along by the ear.

_Oh shit! What's he going to do…_ Thoughts of the Durley's 'punishment' ran through his head. _Is he going to crucio me? Oh… shit. Why did the most sadistic bastard in the whole history of Hogwarts have to turn out to be my father. _

Snape dragged him into the Slytherins common room.

"Drake, could we borrow your bedroom for a moment"

"Of course Sev" Sevian snorted, Sev! Oh Merlin, what does that make me, Sevi? Ahhhh!

Oblivious to his son's inner horror, Snape dragged him into Malfoy's room. Sevian looked around and gasped., it was huge…and there was only one bed!

"Wha…Gryffindors have share with 4 other people!" He spluttered indignantly. Snape smirked.

"I know" Suddenly he let go of Sevians ear and pushed him onto the bed, where he surveyed him with distaste.

"Now" he began "about your punishment" the smirk on his face made him look positively demonic. Sevian was watching his wand with fear.

" Brat, what is so interesting about my wand?" spat out Snape. Sevian jumped.

"Umm, well you know. Most people use their wand to apply crucio" The look of Snape's face would have been amusing under any other circumstances. It was a mixture of horror and shock.

"Pot..Ha. Damn it! Sevian. By law I'm not actually allowed to use Dark spells of you. And unless you've really pissed me of, I probably wouldn't."

Sevian blinked, this was a…different approach to parenting. I mean he knew it was illegal, but that had never stopped the Dursleys.

Snape continued. "So your punishment will be…"

As soon as Sevian heard it, he fainted.

Okay people, that was chapter 3. PLEASE REVIEW. We have cookies! Sorry we can't respond to any reviews at the moment, we're on the wrong computer. Please forgive us!


	4. Chapter 4

Nightmares

Okay, Lily was adopted and is actually a descendent of the Mortimer line. Severus's father really came from a long line of squibs, making him and Sev pureblood. So Sevian is pureblood.

This my friends is why this fic is Au.

YAY, disclaimer time! We own only the ceiling! Wait, there is no ceiling. Damn, yet again we own nothing

Oh and guys, the whole punishment thing. Well we keep getting all of these reviews asking us what it is. And, it's not really meant to be that important. I mean, we didn't even know what it _was_ until this chapter. So sorry if your expecting something huge.

Sevian stumbled out of Malfoy's room, pale and shaking. Much to his surprise Draco rushed over, with…Dear Merlin was that…_concern_ on his face!

"What did he do to you, I'll kill him!" Sevian looked at him blearily. And started muttering

"The rest of the school year with Malfoy as a _friend_" he continued, unaware of Malfoy's grin "extra potions lessons, tutoring in all my subjects, have to get O's in everything, not allowed to lose any house points, must act like a pureblood" at this Sevian shuddered with particular horror "must win quidditch matches"

A/N We just realised, we wrote draco out of the job!

We are so sad and sorry! Oh well, we will have to see what we can do about Draco.

"And if you don't"

Sevian groaned in horror. But Snape, who had just emerged from the bedroom, answered Draco's question.

"Sevian and I will be spending some…quality time together. So we can…bond."

Sevian was looking like his whole world had just been destroyed. Which, come to think of it, it sorta had.

"Draco, Sevian's room is opposite yours. His trunk should already be there. Could you make sure he doesn't try to commit suicide between now and tomorrow morning."

Snape turned and walked over to his pale son. "I've placed wards on the room, so I'll know if hurt or if you try to sneak out at night. Be warned Sevian, I will not tolerate your old Gryffindor attitude."

And with that last benevolent comment he swept out of the dungeons.

Draco was woken in the middle of the night by a terrified scream. Upon realising it was coming from Sevian's room he sat bolt upright and almost _flew_ out of bed.

He wrenched upon the door of Sevian's bedroom. To see the small boy writhing on the bed, caught in his own terrifying world. As Draco came closer he heard snatches of words.

"No, Please! I'm sorry! I'll do my chores! Please, No!"

Draco leaned over and shook the smaller teens shoulder.

"Sevian, come on! It's just a dream, Wake up!" But to his horror Sevian remained trapped. He was just wondering whether he could pour the pitcher of cold water over Sevian's head when a silky voice interrupted.

"Mr Malfoy, are you a wizard or not. _Excito" _Draco blushed.

Sevian's eyes snapped open and he sat up with a cry of alarm. He started franticly looking around the room for something, whatever it was wasn't present, and he relaxed.

"Nightmares, Sevian? Care to inform us about what they were about?" Came Snape's silky voice. Sevian looked distinctively uncomfortable.

"Umm, no, not really"

Snape's eyes narrowed, and Draco winced. All Slytherins knew not to defy Severus at 3 o'clock in the morning. Obviously Sevian was still learning.

"Sevian tell us now!"

"No!"

"I will use Legimancy!"

"You can't" Said Sevian looking slightly panicked "It's illegal to use it on students without Dumbledore's permission. And you promised "

"Yes, _son_, Illegal to use on _students_. Tell us now, or I will!"

Sevian was starting to look slightly ill. At last he whispered

"I can't"

Snape sighed, walked to the foot of Sevian's bed and pointed his wand at Sevian's head.

"Legimancy"

And suddenly Sevian was assaulted by images and memories, as Snape searched for the cause of his nightmares.

The barrage of memories was too much. And Sevian fainted.

WOW, 2 chapters in one night. We're on a role!

Excito simply mean 'wake' in Latin.


	5. Chapter 5

What!

JKR wouldn't let us have the story, so we own (yet again) nothing. But, on the bright side, we are on a quest for world domination! Or we would be if we could afford it. Damn!

SEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVI

Severus searched through the brats memories. He wasn't actually expecting to find anything, the brat was probably afraid of the dark or something.

He just loved seeing the look in the brat's eyes when he realised that he couldn't run to Dumbledore anymore, and Severus really was his father.

So, as you can probably imagine, he was quite shocked to see _his_ Sevian being beaten up by an obese boy. He stopped rushing through all of Sevian's memories and focused on just this one.

The boy had a disturbing resemblance to a pig, and along with a gang was beating up _his son_. Severus carefully went back to Sevian's childhood, which he had formerly discounted. Assuming that his son had been spoilt as the famous Boy-Who-Lived.

"BOY, GET TO YOUR CUPBOARD" Severus's eyes widened, a cupboard!

Severus watched as the muggles deprived _his son_ of food, watched as he was beaten till he could hardly walk.

Then he came upon the memory that had caused his son to scream.

The woman handed Sevian a list of chores. The rest of the memory was blurred, then it suddenly became very clear. The huge whale like man was screaming at Sevian.

"YOU WORTHLESS FREAK, I TOLD YOU TO FINISH THESE CHORES."

Sevian looked terrified, and was slowly backing towards his cupboard. _Oh Merlin, _thought Severus _I can't believe I called it that_. _If that excuse for a muggle even thinks about touching my son, I'll…_

_Oh Shit_

The _thing_ had removed his belt and was beating Sevian with it. Sevian was backed as far as he could get into the corner. Severus could only watch, frozen in horror.

Finally it was over; the muggle left, Sevian uncurled painfully from the corner and crawled into his cupboard and Severus could move again. He walked over to the cupboard and looked down at his son, Sevian wasn't crying. Almost as if sensing Severus's presence Sevian looked up.

"wWhy do they hate me , I try, I really do."

_Oh Merlin Sevian. I'm sorry_

Severus gently slid out of Sevian's memories, and came back to the bedroom.

Draco was halfway through reviving Sevian, who appeared to have fainted. Severus looked at him,

_That's my son _he thought.

Sevian looked up at him fearfully. Severus raised one eyebrow. Then suddenly he recognised the look that Sevian was giving him, the look that he always used around him, realised Severus.

It was the look that had been on his face when his Uncle had been screaming at him.

"Sevian…I" He stepped forward. Sevian flinched backwards and crawled back into the headboard.

Draco decided that this was probably a good time to go and stand outside the door.

Severus stood by the headboard, being careful to not appear threatening. He crouched down beside Sevian.

"Sevian… Oh Merlin, I didn't, I thought." He leaned forward and engulfed Sevian in a hug, a very un-snape-like hug.

Sevian's eyes almost popped out of his head. Snape cared! He fainted in shock.

SEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVI

You people are soo lucky, 3 chapters in 2 days. Isn't wonderful that we have no lives and are therefore capable of writing chapters at 12:30 PM!

Sorry, yet again we can't respond to reviews.


	6. Chapter 6

Learning to Slither

For crying out loud people, get the idea. We don't own anything. If we did do you really think we would be letting you read this for free? Come on, we're not nice!

SEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVI

Severus stepped out of Sevian's room.

"Will he be okay" Severus spun around, Draco was leaning against the wall.

"Yes, I think so. But they… Draco what do you know about Sevian's childhood."

Draco looked up in surprise " He lived with muggles didn't he? Well of course if you believe it, there are always rumours that they hated him. I always thought they were started by Gryffindors."

"Oh yes, they probably were, unfortuantly they are also true."

"They hurt him!"

"I'm dealing with it"

Draco nodded.

"I'll see you in the morning professor"

Severus nodded. "I have some…business to attend to with Dumbledore, make sure that Sevian is appropriately attired tomorrow, his new clothes are in the wardrobe. Don't let him out of your sight."

Draco smiled, "not a chance Sev"

SEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVI

The morning began (for Sevian) by being woken up by Draco. He was still half asleep when Draco forced him into the bathroom and shouted directions through the door.

The bathroom woke him up though. It was amazing; Sevian doubted the Slytherins ever used the prefect's bathroom. Their own bedrooms had better ones attached.

Unfortunately Draco wouldn't allow him to swim in the swimming pool sized bath. Nasty Draco!

_Wait; _thought Sevian,_ Did I just call Malfoy Draco! _

Sevian climbed out of the shower and looked around for his clothes. Hmm, this could be a problem; they were nowhere in sight.

"Um, Draco" _Damn I did it again _" where are my er clothes…?"

"Outside"

"But…"

"What"

"If they're outside, what do I um wear to go get them"

"Nothing?"

"…"

"Sevian?"

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that"

"Ahh, fine, wear a towel"

Sevian emerged from the bathroom wearing only a fluffy white towel. Draco looked up from Sevian's bed. His eyes raked Sevian's body, then widened.

"Sevian?"

"Yes?"

"What did you and Severus talk about last night"

Sevian was examining the floor with great interest and didn't reply. Draco sighed and rolled of the bed.

"The scars don't make you ugly Sevian, not to me, not to anyone that truly loves you."

Sevian looked up in surprise. "Thanks"

Draco chuckled "You won't be thanking me after you see your new wardrobe" He walked over to the huge doors and swung them apart.

Sevian stared in shock at the contents of the wardrobe in front of him.

Everything was silky and obviously expensive, with not a single item of Muggle clothing.

And worst of all, not a single pair of jeans in sight. He watched in numb horror as Draco picked out his outfit for the day and carefully laid it on the bed.

"I am so not wearing that"

Draco shrugged. "You're the one who doesn't want to spend quality time with Severus."

Sevian visibly paled.

"But, I can't wear those."

"And why not?"

"Umm….I'm allergic to expensive stuff"

Draco smirked. "Great I don't have to buy you anything expensive for Christmas!"

"Damn!"

Draco turned to leave. "I'm coming back in 10 minutes, I don't really care if your not dressed, just means I get to check you out more."

As soon as the door closed Sevian started to get dressed, very fast!

SEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVI

Draco glided down the stairs into the Slytherin common room. Greg, Vince, Blaise and Pansy were all sitting waiting for him.

Blaise looked up from checking his essays

"Hey Drake, where's Sevi".

Draco raised an eyebrow and sneered. "I suggest you don't let him hear you calling him that"

"Was that him screaming last night?" Asked Pansy, looking worried.

"Yeah, he should be okay now. But if a single Gryfindor gets near him there will be hell to pay. Pansy make sure he eats breakfast, he's far to thin. Blaise help him in class. Greg, Vince there better not be a single scratch on him by the end of the day."

Draco finished his instructions, to the sniggers of those receiving them.

"Protective much" chuckled Blaise.

Pansy stopped the conversation by pointing at the stairway. Sevian had just run around the corner, but unfortunately for him, the layout of the Slytherin dungeons was different to Gryffindor tower. And therefore the stairs were in a different place.

Consequently he rushed around the corner, and crashed straight down 2 flights of stairs. Landing in a crumpled heap at the bottom.

Draco stared at him, put his head in his hands and groaned.

Blaise walked casually over and poked the still form.

"Um Drake, I think he's fainted"

SEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVISEVI

YIPPEE, another chapter all for you. And I managed to ride, fence and do an hour at the gym today, I ROCK!

Hope you enjoy, there's free simulated pats on the back for anyone who reviews.

LOL

alwaysandforever


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